the copious online edifice of dj sallySALL

THE EYES HAVE IT, PART 3 
aka 
THE LOBBY

Picture This:  After slipping away from your 97th Birthday Party to grab a Power Nap, you end up “slipping away” in another way, only to wake up at…The Pearly Gates (??!).

“Oh…hey!...”

St. Pete or Paul (or Mary--akh!) asks why you get to live in Heaven now (after which you say:

“Coz I’m DEAD now, heLLoooooo!?” 

(Silence…)

“…Sorry, sorry, sorry! Bad joke, and this is a serious topic. Bad me! No, no, I’ll be serious now. See? Putting on glasses and everything. (See what I did there? Tee hee... Ugh, what is WRONG with me!?)”

(Oh, it would appear that we’ve landed smack dab in the middle of a journal. And not just any journal, but The Journal of Friendliness Chick (aka that feisty lass formerly known as--wait, did we ever even find out her name, actually? Hmm… In fact, let’s see if a--mmm, on second thought, we have bigger fish to fry right now, and we DON’T have all the time in the world. To dig up more intel on the woman at the well, I mean; not the one from here, today, but the one that got away. Just as well! And though I can’t at ALL imagine how that may or might have happened, we DID nearly, almost lose sight of that forest for the trees! It’ll be fine, though, never mind, though; lots of fish in the sea! And oysters and things. Just remember to never wave pearls of great price before three little pigs. Oh, now where is that girl? The one with no name, the one stunned by methods of getting grizzly bears tame… sigh. #thingsThatMakeYouGoHMMM, yo! Anyway, whatever… let’s just get on with the show!)

“What show?? Oh yeah, that old guy, I forgot all about him, didn’t I… I wonder what--”

ANYWAY, so they ask you why you get to live in heaven now.

(A Methuselah-looking, Father Abraham Type pops up out of nowhere, and everything’s… white. Very white.)

???
“Achoo!” 

?????
“Gesundheit!” 

(While Pearly Gates Guy looks rather like a shepherd, his manner of speaking is rather more akin to that of a Jeeves-type, very posh and accommodating and gracious, but also reasonably-uptight, a stickler who’d be called a “stick in the mud,” kindly, and definitely not mind it, but rather, in fact, he would find it not far from “divine.”)

“JEEVES”
“So… why do you get to live in heaven?”

COWBOY
“I’m dead? This is what happens, yes?”

“JEEVES”
“Well…”
COWBOY
“Why do I get into heaven? Is this a trick question?? LOL. Doesn’t everyone get in here? God Is Love and all? Haha…”

“JEEVES”
“God IS Love!”

COWBOY
“Amen, Amen! Hallelujah to The King!”

“JEEVES”
“HALLELUJAH! GLORY TO GOD!!”

COWBOY
“Yeah! Now we’re talking! Didn’t think you were capable of cracking a smile, there, friend, but you’re just a walking fiesta, ain’t you! Haha!”

“JEEVES”
“Perhaps when given the appropriate inspiration… Hah. Now back to my question: Why should you get into heaven?”

COWBOY
“Um, I’m not following you, sir. Could I perhaps get an example of what you mean by that?”

“JEEVES”
“Ah…Well, what did you do in your life that prepared you for eternity with us here?”

COWBOY
“OH! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha… wasn’t sure where you were heading with this whole thing but now I get you.”
“JEEVES”
“Splendid! I can’t wait to hear this. David’s taking his sweet time picking up that parcel of mine…”

COWBOY
“Aw, I gotcha! Sorry about that, man! But it’s not the end of the world, you know; more time for us to chat, if you think about it! Hahah! No hurry, no worries!”

“JEEVES”
“I like that!”

COWBOY
“I thought you might! Ooh, maybe you could help me out, my man; I seem to have forgotten why we had an appointment in the first place…”

“JEEVES”
“Oh. I see… Well, you have won a jackpot, young man! Someone entered you into a contest and after years and years and years, your name’s come up! You’ve won an all-expenses-paid trip to one of two destinations! One is vastly preferable to the other, may I say.”

COWBOY
“Of course you may, why keep secrets from a friend, friend? Haha! So, lemme get this straight: I’ve been entered in some lottery system, and I won; there’s a decision to be made between which prize package I get, and there IS one prize that’s better in some way…”

“JEEVES”
“You could say that…!”



COWBOY
“So basically, I haven’t necessarily won BIG just yet? I’m just in the final round, kinda? A ‘lucky finalist,’ waiting for the final outcome of a contest I’ve finally ALMOST-won, is that it?”

“JEEVES”
“Kind of! Like the final destination is completely contingent upon a final decision, which is based upon a final answer, of sorts. It’s actually very simple, now that I think on it. You should do just fine!”

COWBOY
“Now hold on there a second, buckaroo; you said I should DO fine, not that I’d BE fine… at first, it sounded like, FINE… ALL I have to do is show up and maybe wait a little bit.”

“JEEVES”
“Hmm; a final countdown to a final result that’s more than fine, I believe you’d find, this foregone conclusion that anyone in his right mind would have gone for--or drawn for, as the case may be? Is that what you thought at first?”

COWBOY
“Yes, yes, yes, that description is more than fine and dandy. But now…”

“JEEVES”
“But now?”

COWBOY
“Now I keep going back to what you said THEN, about DOING fine. Meaning this isn’t a waiting game, where I could catch a nap until the final buzzer and I couldn’t lose… but it also ain’t no “stay-in-the-game,” where I’ve just gotta be standing at the final second. Or… the last one standing at the final moment, kinda like?”
“JEEVES”
“Don’t worry, young man, this isn’t a semi-final. Only one person can get you into this place, and I’m beyond-certain that you know just who that is!”

COWBOY
“I’ve GOTTA make it happen for myself, and I’m GONNA make it, finally, dag nabbit! But wait, if this is all about me, then who be all these fine people in all these lines? Oh, I guess some are outside the lines a bit. Are they… in the running?”

“JEEVES”
“Well, they are, indeed, running, but they all run their own races, and you ALL have your own place. Not rivals, no semi-finals. Not survival, but revival.”

COWBOY
“And that’s all fine and--”

“JEEVES”
“But?”

COWBOY
“Well… you said I should DO just fine. So… that makes me think it’s a final exam! I don’t see any textbooks, though. How can I pass the test if I don’t have access to the material? Or time to learn it? This seems a bit unfair to me, though I’m probably missing something. Haha, don’t listen to me, man! I’m just… heh.”

“JEEVES”
“What if I told you it was open-book?”

COWBOY
“Now, that’s more like it!”

“JEEVES”
“Well, it would be…in the case of an exam. Some exams, anyway.”

COWBOY
“Oh, snap! You’re totally right; this could be a final PROJECT to finish, or a final PAPER to write! I sure hope you give me enough time to write my final draft…”

“JEEVES”
“Well, I would certainly expect you to be adding the final touches to your paper right about now--if it WERE a paper…”

COWBOY
“Oh. Hmm…So maybe it’s like I gotta square up with the final boss and land the final blow to collect $200 when I pass…go?”

“JEEVES”
“Well… if this were that, then that is the yes! That is, that the final form would be the final test. But…”

COWBOY
“Ahh… ok. So I don’t need to start planning my final attack in order to finally unlock the final dungeon or post-game-party-members or anything.”

“JEEVES”
“That’s correct; your final frontier is but a Way Station 
on the journey towards your… aforementioned destination.”

COWBOY
“But that’s NOT the situation you mentioned before! 
You said it was NOT fore-GONE, only ‘gone-for.’”


“JEEVES”
“My son, you keep thinking about ‘final cuts,’ but 
In truth, we only want your BEST--no ifs, ands, or buts!”

COWBOY
“Ok, man, I’m sorry for starting to whine…”

“JEEVES”
“No biggie, friend! *I* only want you to SHINE! 
Know that… it’s your season, you’re NOT past your prime! 
Though, you should know THAT this is all… ‘LIMITED-time.’”

COWBOY
“Oh…That prize pack thingie? With two non-comparable options? Hmm.  I wonder what each trip’s final value is; that would help me to finally decide on which one I want more…”

“JEEVES”
“Unless the one that you get is, well… based on a score?”

COWBOY
“Oh, drat, I forgot about that! So… gotta suit up and rack up them points all the more…”

“JEEVES”
“UNLESS it takes LESS points for winning this war!”

COWBOY
“Oh, Gramps, you are KILLIN me with all of this lore! Haha…”

“JEEVES”
“I’m sure that all this info-talk feels rather like a chore…”
COWBOY
“Naw, man, it’s all good! Gotta know what I’m working with if I’m to make a workable plan that leads to success! Sorry….YEEHAW! How I LOVE to clean up a big mess!”

“JEEVES”
“That’s a fine view to have, friend, you know so MANY RUN from stress!”

COWBOY
“Is that your way of telling me that the test is just a problem? 
Seeming insurmountable, but my task is just to solve’em?”

“JEEVES”
“Certainly, some think that their final absolution rests upon their ability to dream up a final solution…”

COWBOY
“If they ain’t great there, I can see how they’d go all paralysis… coz they know that they can’t cut it, in the final analysis.”

“JEEVES”
“You’d be shocked at the things that I’ve seen and I’ve heard… in this job, I am privy to a person’s final words.”

COWBOY
“Wow, that sure escalated pretty quick, there, old man! I do appreciate that you seem to try and help when you can…”

“JEEVES”
“It’s not about a final score or a final exam; but rather, it’s a debt, or a…final demand.”

COWBOY
“Oh my gosh, that’s scary, dude; did you really mean to say it?”

“JEEVES”
“What terror, ever, is there, when you reach the final payment? Look here, kiddo; if you wanted a house or a car…saw the final cost and your salary, you’d be like ‘that’s so FAR!’” 

COWBOY
“If it’s a KIA, I could deal, but I’m seeing what you mean; yep, I sure recall the ramen days, when things were kinda ‘LEAN.’ Thankfully, I earn enough, now, to buy ALL that I could want!”

“JEEVES”
“I wonder if even billions could….bring back your favourite haunt?”

COWBOY
“Yep, you’re right; money CAN’T buy every single thing in the world…time’s without a price, and even more is my sweetest girl.”

“JEEVES”
“She’s a honey, to be sure, friend, and I know you’d take, well, a bullet…I know that if you found grenades, the string, you wouldn’t pull it. You sure are brave, but well-behaved, in that, you need no warning. You’re even-keeled, but do you wield… The promised Joy each morning?”


*GLITCHY*




COWBOY
“Hold on a sec, friend--what the hec--TICK…chat this just turned into! We’re talking PRIZE, then outta SKIES, you pull out riddles…ew! First you’re saying that it’s, like, ‘my season,’ then we’re talking PAYMENTS for no reason??? I don’t even know where this is going…I’m glad there ain’t no towels, coz I’d be THROWING--”

“JEEVES”
“Yes, lad? What would you be throwing, and at whom? And for what reason? Hey, are you ok? You kinda zoned out when I started telling you about David…”

COWBOY
“Davey…of the Navy??? What is this, man--did I get DRUNK? OH, the birthday shindig… I got SUNK! Hah…”

“JEEVES”
“That’s certainly one way to say it, young man. Now, what do you say we get this show on the road? David--who does, indeed, have deep blue eyes!--is almost here with my precious package of paperwork!”

COWBOY
“Am I high…or did you mention something about a final payment back a ways, old-timer?”

“JEEVES”
“Finances were, indeed, brought up… yes, they were…”

COWBOY
“If I get a hankering for a Bentley or a Benz, I find out how much it’s gonna set me back. $500k? That’s no problem. It’ll take me two years of working 10 hours a day to bring that in. And the day I’m able to make my final payment on that beautiful baby blue…Benztley…HAH! Well, siree, that’ll indubitably be the HAPPIEST day for my bride and me!”
“JEEVES”
“Coz you can afford it…even if it takes some time. It’s a debt you COULD potentially pay. Given enough time…”

COWBOY
“Sure as beans! How ELSE do credit and payments and all that work?? It’s SURELY not gonna drop outta the sky one day… the precious, painful cost for that cash-coated car o’ my DREAMS, you know? Gotta work for it, man! Hustle and grind, keep that car in mind! And one sweet day, you’ll ‘SUDDENLY’ find…”

“JEEVES”
“Find… what?”

COWBOY
“Oh, well… I’ll find myself behind the wheel. Didn’t lie, cheat, or steal--just worked a LOT, then struck a DEAL! Hey, you ok, son? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you looked a mite past SUPER-relieved just then. What gives, eh?”

“JEEVES”
“Nothing, nothing at all!”

COWBOY
“No?”

“JEEVES”
“Well… nothing for you to worry about, anyway. Yet…”

COWBOY
“I’d really like to know, if you don’t mind. Truly. It’s ok. It’s TRULY fine…!”



“JEEVES”
“Well… When you said you’d ‘find yourself,’ it was bad enough. But when you said ‘find myself behind the wheel, it… didn’t sit well with me. Not one little bit. I’m not sure why… Oh…! I do wish David would hurry up and bring The Book over, already! I literally can’t do ANYTHING for ANYONE without it!”

COWBOY
“Ahh, a man after my own heart, lol. Back in the day, it was DAY PLANNERS for me! Couldn’t plan a ‘restful morning with nary an activity’ without it! Hahah. Seriously, though, don’t worry about it, man, it’ll be fine! Paperwork is paperwork; this isn’t life or death, yo! What’s the worst that could happen? Someone has to pay back taxes that they already paid? They’ll get it back. Well, in ten years. Maybe. But still. Someone gets thrown in the slammer coz their twin went on a little shopping spree? A week or three and they’ll make it right, you’ll see!!”

“JEEVES”
“Um, it would appear that Davey’s latest fiasco isn’t helping anything at ALL, young man. I’ve literally never seen anything like this! I sincerely hope you aren’t in danger, boy. This is HIGHLY irregular. Ack!”

COWBOY
“Wow, I never thought I’d live to see the day when YOU screeched like a dolphin, sir! Loool. Say, did we grow up together? You look familiar to me…”

“JEEVES”
“That, boy, is completely impossible! You could NEVER have seen me in your life, because… Ah. Hah! Now this madness is getting to ME, as well, it seems!”

COWBOY
“Not a chance in hell, bruh! You’re the STAR of the TEAM!”

“JEEVES”
“COUGH…Uh, using foul language here isn’t allowed, boy.”

COWBOY
“I mean, it’s a place, isn’t it? Not that I ever believed that it existed, or anything. Well, not 100 per cent, anyway. I’m beginning to wonder if the other place does, either. Hey, where we at, btw? This is a beautiful building, so shiny and elegant and sparkly! And CLEAN! From what I’ve seen, anyway. Anyway, so… why are we here again? And where are we? And, uh…”

“JEEVES”
“Mmm… you were about to explain to me that ‘finding myself…behind the wheel’ thing, remember?”

COWBOY
“Oh, yeah. Well, you work up a storm, you buy up a storm. In the case of a Benz, it’s a shopping spree of quality, not quantity. Oh…was it ‘finding myself’ that bothered you, man? I’m sorry ‘bout that! Not sure what’s up with my head today, but I was never one for them New Age thoughts and ‘inner child’ and ‘finding myself’ and all that. I’m right here, sure as sugar, you know? I know just who I am, and who I wanna be. I need to change something, guess what? Mind over matter. Tell my mind that it doesn’t matter and poof, Galuf! All gone, all better! I’m not lost if I’m right here. I’m not confused, coz I know where I am. Except for this moment in time, but that’s another story for another day, you get me? Hmm. That sentence troublin you could also be taken like, finding myself ONCE I’m behind the wheel, meaning ‘brand names give me some value and importance,’ which, btw, I ain’t into at all. I am me and I am free and I say yIPPEEE! No matter WHAT’S going on in this old heart of mine, no matter what’s in this creative mind!”

“JEEVES”
“Splendid!”
COWBOY
“And as for the third meaning I can see into this here thing, it’s like… I’ll find myself behind the wheel--not ‘once upon a time, I woke up, and WHOOMP, there it is, my Rolls Royce, and ME in it!’ It’s not even ‘I take my value from running the show in my own life,’ but that I take great pride IN running my own life. Never asking for help from anyone, I’d rather be the helper. Never whining to anyone, I’d rather listen to you and help. Well, except for today. This is highly irregular, you know!”

“JEEVES”
“So you like…being the driver or pilot of your life, hmm?”

COWBOY
“Yep! God Is my co-Pilot, though! Got a sticker on the Ford that we keep to teach our kids about driving, says that. It’s a comfort, knowing someone’s there for me, loving me unconditionally, no matter what situation I've gotten myself into. I drive my life, and He Sits beside me, keeping me safe from harm! Or maybe He should sit in the back seat, since He’s The King! I could maybe drive Him around, show Him the town one day. Well, as long as I don’t have to work. I know He understands! Being a good steward of our time and our treasure and all!”

“JEEVES”
“I… see. Perhaps Davey’s little debacle isn’t going to present as much of a problem to your situation, after all…”

(COWBOY gasps)

(An “earthquake just hit and everyone’s calm but grabbing for something with stability” crossed with “the elevator just jolted and the lights flickered for a sec and everyone’s kinda surprised but ok, but also alert to the possibility that it could happen again” vibe for a sec, and then…
*GLITCHY*

“...time! Well, for a time, anyway. A very limited time, in fact, before you’re out of time and into--”

*GLITCH*

“Why??”

“--you were saying…” 
 
*GLITCH*

COWBOY
“Because! I genuinely loved my fellow man! And woman! No, not like that, what I mean is I always tried to help people! And I gave 20% of my income to the church AND an additional further 10% to homeless people. Which I helped feed every week at that shelter across town, remember? I’m sure you have some security camera footage up here. Or, like, the ability to play back moments from a person’s life, you know? Um sorry, I’m nervous. Just a second ago I was trying to figure out whether I’d just crushed my glasses or my teeth under my elbow getting comfy, and here I am. And, surprise surprise, I seem to have ALL my teeth back, and I can see perfectly! And, uh… where was I?”

“JEEVES”
“It would appear that you haven’t gotten your memory back, have you now? Oh, settle down, that was just a joke. Little joke to lighten the mood, you know? As you just reminded me, the whole “teleporting from earth to heaven” thing IS pretty jarring, ain’t it… right, then. Moving on! What I had asked you is why you get to live in heaven now, and you were telling me about the homeless shelter. Pray, continue…” 

COWBOY
“Um, so yeah! I was helping the sick and feeding the poor and going to the gym up until yesterday, 96 and still going strong!” 

Fist pump! (Fist pump?? Are we Yuffie Kisa-whatever with a pouch of stolen materia??) 

“JEEVES”
“Yes, well…except now you’re 97, and eternity be LONG, so hopefully, on earth, you worked HARD to get
STRONG!” 

COWBOY
“Oh, for sure, for sure! As previously mentioned, I did, in fact, go to the gym seven days a week! No, no, it was actually SiX days a week!” 

“JEEVES”
“Oh? Do tell!” 

COWBOY
“Yeah! Well, the gym I liked, LORD’S JIM, was closed on Sunday. I promise I would have worked out every single day, had it not been for that! But, but, but! Even though it was their fault that I didn’t get to work out on the seventh day, I still took the initiative and worked out a TON on Sundays! And. I was productive, too! Not a lazy bone in this lazybones! I didn’t retire, just kept working and helping clients for the company until the day I died. Literally. That’s why I needed a nap, see?! We had a new product ready to launch, and I simply couldn’t waste the opportunity to schmooze with our precious clients! Love them!”

“JEEVES”
“Do you, now?”

COWBOY
“Sure do! I take care of them! They’re like family to me! Always getting them gifts, checkin’ in and all… seeing how they’re getting along… gettin’ them in to places that no one can get into! The works, you know?? Make’em feel SPECIAL is what *I* did.”

“JEEVES”
“So much love, so much caring! Mighty impressive, young fellow!”

COWBOY
“Thank ye, kindly, Gramps! In fact--and you’ll get a KICK outta this! At the party earlier, I barely got a bite to eat, so busy was this whippersnapper of a whippersnapper! I kept gettin’em drinks and sneakin’ them past my baby girl--well, she’s 57 this year, you know, and fiercely protective o’ her kin, ‘specially me! But I was as stealthy as can be, and smuggled nearly ALL my chums into the back room, one at a time, real quick-like, to show’em a sneak peek at my newest bundle of joy! All in the name of giving them Christian love and peace in this hectic holiday season! How’s THAT for special attention?”

“JEEVES”
“Oh, my! What bundle might this have been? Great grandchild consecrated to serving God from before birth?”

COWBOY
“Nope, try again!”

“JEEVES”
“Hmm. A candy-striping puppy meant to cheer the sick or destitute?”

COWBOY
“Close, but no cigar, friend! One more strike and yeeeeerrrr out! Hahaha!”

“JEEVES”
“Hmm. Remodeled prayer closet, complete with pews that don’t make parishioners say ‘pew’ ??”

COWBOY
“Wrongo, bongo! I gave each of them the gift of a little pre-launch audience with The King!”

“JEEVES”
“...Pardon?”

COWBOY
“My King, silly! Loool! Been slackin’ off on the whole Heavenly Surveillance thing, bruh?? Loooool, no worries, no worries xD But yeah, so The King is my pride and joy! My hope and my peace and, OOOH, did I LOVE working on him!! Well, not just him but his royal fam! There’s The FATED King, The HATED King, The SATED King, The DATED King, The AWAITED King, and The ELATED King! If’n you’d said that this here product line was the pinnacle of my career, around this time last year, you know… I’da called you BONKERS, bruh. Now, though, after all the long nights designing and redesigning and testing and investing and stressing and messing, I know what this project is to me, my friend.”

“JEEVES”
“A blessing?”

COWBOY
“Well, there is that, too! But no. That word doesn’t rightly describe or reveal just how STRONGLY I feel about this thing. No… The King is something completely different. Something… beyond!!”

“JEEVES”
“And that is…?”
COWBOY
“My life.”

“JEEVES”
“Erm… Your life’s work?”

COWBOY
“No, sir. My very LIFE.”

(Father Abraham/JEEVES looks more disturbed than we ever thought possible.)

COWBOY
“Not sure I could identify a favourite, but they’re all brothers, anyway. What a family, huh? What a rich history and back-story and…! *sigh* … He’s FATED, HATED, SATED, DATED, AWAITED, ELATED… Oh, your MAJESTY…!” 

“JEEVES”
“How… thrilling. And how very mystifying, as well. Those descriptors, that… title, I mean to say. Truly, sir, I can’t BEGIN to imagine how these terms could possibly fit together in an acceptable manner! And… with so many fine, strapping lads jockeying for a single throne… it’s anybody’s guess which one would emerge the reigning victor, and actual…sovereign!”

(Disturbed though he be, Father Abra-JEEVES’s scheme worked like a DREAM, and distracted the trash outta the 97-year-old firebrand, who had been looking more and more crazed by the moment. That is, until The Famed and Fabled PLOY For a FEISTY COWBOY crashed into the “craziness,” anyway.)

COWBOY
“Oh, now wait just a sec, Gramps! I think I know JUST what’s gotten yer goat in a bunch!”

“JEEVES”
“We must have gotten hungry, it’s been AGES since lunch!”

COWBOY
“Pish posh! That’s not it and you know it. What you’re REALLY thinkin’s that I shoulda given them all some sort of introductory discount or pre-release, PONY-party pricing. (As anyone already knows, the PONIES are the ICING! Like, on the cake! Birthday cake, get it?? Too bad I never did, but it’s fine… that much MORE went to the kids! I guess. I wonder what they’re… But they know the drill!”

“JEEVES”
“Your spaw--COUGH! Awww…OFFspring, I mean??”

COWBOY
“No, no, NO, Grampsy… keep up, will ya?? It’s the people I schmoozed into oblivion that know the drill. They’re the ones who made our company one, didn’t they?”

“JEEVES”
“Your loyal clientele had a unifying effect on your company?”

COWBOY
“NO, old-head! Are you TRYING to, uh… try my patience??”

“JEEVES”
“As a matter of fact… Heh… xD”

(COWBOY--who looks every bit as old as Father Noah JEEVES Butler, btw--hath fallen back into the feverish and somewhat-paranoid Mode Of Great Concern, though Uncle JEEVES tossed out a wink that startled the John Wayne Wannabe back into “reasonably rational rationality.”)
COWBOY
“So YEAH, man! It’s NO MERCY for THEM! What a NAUGHTY little flock of seagulls I raised! Hmph. The nerve of them…! Ungrateful little--”

“JEEVES”
“You’d think they’d have turned out better, with such a firm hand steering the ship, Sailor!”

COWBOY
“Yeah, you would, wouldn’t you??”

(COWBOY looking hung-over and high as a kite, for some reason. But he finally settled down in due season, returning to his most-recent topic of ranting. Having warmed to the subject, he soldiered on, sallying forth, making up for, in fervency, all else that he’d forgotten about.)

COWBOY
“So, no special treatment, right? Right!”

“JEEVES”
“That’s a big 10-4, Bandit!”

COWBOY
“Hey, now! I never stole a single penny from ANYONE! Unlike that pudgy, pugnacious, and perSNICKEty little PIPSQUEAK! …Price-Gouging Penny!”

“JEEVES”
“Ah, your former business partner?”

COWBOY
“Um, let’s NOT bring THAT little episode up now, shall we?”

“JEEVES”
“My sincerest apologies, young one. So… your kids are in the clear, but the clientele, I fear? There appears to be SO much more to HEAR!”

(Cowboy started in… stark, erm… startlingness… at the sudden SHOUT let all the way OUT of Jeeves. After several pregnant moments of disbelief, he threw his weight forward, and threw into his impassioned speech all that was left of him.)

COWBOY
“You have NO IDEA, bub! I could go on FOREVER!”

“JEEVES”
“I’ve never been in greater agreement than I am with you now, laddie…”

COWBOY
“So, um… yeah. Who do they think they are, you know? Treatin’ me like some bum, just coz I--wait, who were we talkin’ ‘bout, ‘gin? OH! THEM. No mercy for the money-milkers, down with the middle-men! OOH, it makes me MAD! And that’s why--that is PRECISELY and EXACTLY… like, absolutely, totally, and in all OTHER ways, INCONCEIVABLE!!!” 

“JEEVES”
“What is, my child?”

COWBOY
“Um… their success! No, their plots and… what a mess. I hate to admit, don’t know what I’m sayin’...”

“JEEVES”
“Perhaps now’s a great time for you to start praying…!”


COWBOY
“Praying for time? Or PLAYing for time?”

“JEEVES”
“Or preying on time? Slaying seconds is a crime!”

COWBOY
“Rat-a-tat-tat, heh… How d’ye like THAT??”

“JEEVES”
“So, the brazen, bilking, and money-milking marauders and… hmm. Non-applauders?”

COWBOY
“YES! They wouldn’t even HEAR when I said ‘BOW to my KING!’  Who could ever DREAM of just REFUSING such a thing???”

“JEEVES”
“I do believe I understand your earlier comment on their…nerves.”

COWBOY
“What I SHOULDA said, instead, was that it was MY nerve… my very LAST one, and they done tap-danced the TRASH out of it, and I am UNdone! Phew. This is so HARD!” *CRY*

“JEEVES”
“There, there, my boy… it’s been a LONG day! Are you SURE that you’ll be fine, and that you don’t need to pray?”

COWBOY
“Fine and DANDY, Mister Man… you got any kleenex? I need to use the can.”

“JEEVES”
“Here, catch!”

(JEEVES zapped the TRASH out of the cowboy, who stopped pacing and got back to his novella. (In exactly the right place, too! Gotta wonder and think; could this ZAPPING work for you??)

(What?? Mr. Tv Announcer?? Where did you come from? And WHY am I being TORTURED with this…qualitative researcher of a DRAMA QUEEN??)

(Settle down, As-Yet-Unnamed “Friendliness Chick,” if you work yourself up like that, you might end up sick!)

(AGH, not you, too!)

(Can’t resist this stuff, boo!)

(GRRR!)

*back at the ranch*

(Except not, since we still in The Lobby, listening to John Wayne the Second…)

COWBOY
“It’s outRAGEOUS, I tell you! And I’m beYOND sure that you can see just WHY I had to change the company policy, forever. No discounts, no comps for them--not NOW or EVER!!!”

“JEEVES”
“I’m sure you’re sure, lad--sure of that! A CERTAIN person could NEVER be bad…!”

COWBOY
“Huh?”

“JEEVES”
“Sorry. A Person WHO’S certain, well… MAKES the heart GLAD…! Um, like… you know?”

COWBOY
“Uh, yeah. So as I was saying, NO sales, NO wholesale, no EMAIL… every DEAL will FAIL! Coz they’re BRATS! Selfish, spoiled BRATS, I tell you! All they care about is cutting their costs! Not a WHIT about MY loss… ugh, they need a new boss!”

“JEEVES”
“Don’t we all…?”

COWBOY
“What?”

“JEEVES”
“Doesn’t every person need a trustworthy master?”

COWBOY
“I’m surprised you didn’t bring Him up just a little bit faster xD”

“JEEVES”
“So, alrighty, then, my new youngin/friend… Tell us more about why these ‘middle-men’ be such charlatans, in your estimation.”




COWBOY
“Well…! It’s like… What kinda steward of my God-Given Green-backs would I be if I let them get away with paying less for something meant to cultivate The Kingdom? Particularly when our technology is both patented AND no one on this earth, save for me, knows how it works! They’re just happy they got a preview! We buy low, keep costs down, good stewardship! They pay full price, we save all sortsa lives… it’s a win-win!”

“JEEVES”
“And that humanitarian prize you accepted last week was a big win, and so was that bidding war over your manuscript, called…?”

COWBOY
“Seems I ain’t the only one with memory probs, there, man! HaHAAAH! Just Joshing, friend, loool. Lessee… ‘How To Gain The Whole World AND Eat It, Too! A Guide To Losing That Weight and Winning At Fate!’”

“JEEVES”
“You must be… so proud!”

COWBOY
“Apart from the fact that I frickin’ DIED before either side actually WON that there bidding war, lol… I AM, my good man, I really am! They said it couldn’t be done--well, not without missing out on fun, or always being on the run, but… I truly think I’ve triumphed in mastering the art AND science of creating ‘the good life.’ You work hard, you play hard. Be generous, always, to a fault, even. Always working, always having fun. And always thinking of my fellow man! And if you play your cards right, if you’re a GOOD PERSON, God Will SURELY Bless you, and your life will prosper and bloom! And so will your influence in the world!” 


“JEEVES”
“You don’t say…!”

COWBOY
“I surely do, old-timer! You keep doing good, and your life will GO good!”

“JEEVES”
“I presume that’s but a painful morsel from the tome of great wisdom… I imagine hundreds of thousands or millions would have been…impacted…by the… philosophies… and worldviews spread through your great influence on the earth. Ah, well! Can’t be helped!”

COWBOY
“Hey, you’re not kidding, friend! There be OODLES of peeps back on earth… you just can’t help’em, no matter HOW hard you try! They just REFUSE to see sense and accept it! Always belly-achin’ ‘bout the world, or else they try to be all noble about suffering through something, as though suffering is a quick but sturdy ticket to being good and being rich is always and automatically BAD. As if! How could I afford to give literal MILLIONS to charity--and church!--if I did NOT earn and generate what I did? Blessed to be a blessing, isn’t that how it goes? God Made me good at what I do--and, I mean, if we’re being honest and not-too-modest, He obviously Made me a GOOD PERSON. It’s just a character trait. I never get tempted to sin, not ever! Always working, always helping people out… That’s my calling in life!”

“JEEVES”
“Well, of that, there’s little doubt!...And you certainly do a very good job of describing your good deeds, friend. It’s almost astounding!”

COWBOY
“Well, we aim to please, friend, we aim to please! Hehe xD”

“JEEVES”
“I grow more and more astonished with every word out of your mouth, young friend! I wonder if you’ve ever heard the phrase ‘nobody’s perfect among men’ ?”

COWBOY
“Well, sure! Everyone has!”

“JEEVES”
“I wonder if, along with your recent prizes, you’d qualify for the “Nobody’s Perfect… BUT !!” Award?”

COWBOY
“Oh, wowie! I never heard o’ THAT one! What’s it all about, Alfie?? WAIT, is THAT the thing I won up here???!”

“JEEVES”
“Oh, ahh… well?? The thing is--”

COWBOY
“Aw, MAN! Thought that was it, lol.”

“JEEVES”
“But it does make me wonder: among… people like you, how close to ‘perfect’ are you?”

COWBOY
“Whoa! Well… I mean, nobody IS perfect, coz, what IS it, y’know… but I sure do try! If anyone can achieve it, I’m pretty sure it’d be me. I may end up making the occasional mistake, like… going to a buffet for breakfast when I already had an upset stomach the night before, but like… as far as sins go? I think I must’ve grown out of them or something. It’s like that Job fellow in The Holy Bible; he was so perfect and free of sin that he even prayed for other people, just in case they may have sinned and forgot to confess! Isn’t that how the story goes?”

“JEEVES”
“Your knowledge of the story is… pretty close to perfect, I have to say! You really DO remind me of Job in some ways! I wonder if… you remember what his wife said to him that one time?”

COWBOY
“Can’t say that I do! So help a fellow out--I can’t with the suspense, lol!--WHAT in tarnation did that old biddy say to the dude??”

“JEEVES”
“Well… hmm. If memory serves, you have quite a bit in common with her…!”

COWBOY
“HEY! Maybe we’re KIN, man! LOOOL! How ‘bout that! A legacy passed down from a woman with a perfect husband! MAN, you’re makin’ me BLUSH, son! LOL!”

“JEEVES”
“Tee hee… 🙂 Do you believe you did a good job during your life?”

COWBOY
“Well, I sure was good at my job! It kind of became my life, you know?”

(JEEVES almost choked upon hearing this, but stuffed down the unpleasant memory of Cowboy’s “Fated King” and expended all of his resources in an effort to NOT wear his “heart” on his “sleeve.”)

“JEEVES”
“I… think I’m beginning to understand…” 
COWBOY
“Yeah! That’s what it’s all about! Pursuing excellence and all. And the more I worked, the more I could give! And help peeps in bad situations! Which is, in my estimation, very good!” 

“JEEVES”
“So you were a very good person?” 

COWBOY
“I like to think so!” 

“JEEVES”
“I’d be… so very curious to hear about a single sin you committed throughout your life!”

COWBOY
“Me? Let’s see…”

“JEEVES”
“Need a minute?”

COWBOY
“I think I might; trying to think of something that violates The Ten Commandments or…”

“JEEVES”
“Oh, good plan!”

COWBOY
“Yeah! I’m all about doing good!”


“JEEVES”
“I see that, now! That’s probably why it’s so hard for you to think of a sin you may have committed.”

COWBOY
“Yeah, I think you must be right! Just… drawing a blank.”

“JEEVES”
“No worries! I mean… the less sins, the ‘Mo’ Better,’ right? I am SURE you’ll answer “YES!” 

COWBOY
“Yes! Well, I guess that  it’s a GOOD thing… to be GOOD and to sin LESS!”

“JEEVES”
“You did a good job, then? At thinking of others, I mean. And taking care of them, taking care of yourself, living life the way Jesus wants you to live, all that?” 

COWBOY
“Well, how can anyone know what The King of kings would want? He Is God, after all! And even if I am a mind reader, I am not sure I am even able to see into the mind of the GREAT I AM, amen? Hallelujah!”

“JEEVES”
“I…see. And yes, I see what you did there…”

COWBOY
“Aw man, YOU must be a mind-reader, lol! all up in my biz and shiz, loool. Oops sorry. I don’t really use foul language on the regular. Or slang, either. Communication has ALWAYS been important to me! Like, making sure people understand what I’m saying, and where I’m coming from, and getting to the point where I can be sure what the other person is saying, but also not saying, if you see what I mean. Reading between the lines, all that. Just another way I demonstrated my care for the human race! Nothing worse than talking up a storm and thinking you’re understood, and vice versa, only to find out later that you guys were having different conversations, that you didn’t get your point across properly and accurately. Oh, and that you didn’t understand what the other person meant for you to understand. I guess it comes back to poor listening. Which I’ve always prided myself on NOt having! 

“JEEVES”
“Huh?”

COWBOY
“Uh… what??”

“JEEVES”
“Hah, just kidding. But you were telling me about why you get to move into this beauteous and sparkly neighborhood?”

COWBOY
“Oh… yeah! Um, well, the homeless people and that, uh… oh, I almost forgot about the soup kitchen! And that special Olympiads marathon! And I always forgave my kids, which I’ve heard makes you qualify for Sainthood--is that true,  actually? I always thought it would be super cool to be a super Saint! You know, get extra rewards and a bigger mansion once I made it here, you know?? Hehe. Can’t believe I’m really here!!” 

“JEEVES”
“Neither can we.”

COWBOY
“Pardon?”

“JEEVES”
“Achoo!” 

COWBOY
“Oh man, you don’t look too good! Maybe you’re coming down with something? Is it even possible to be under the weather up here??” 

“JEEVES”
“Well, down is definitely not a good thing!” 

COWBOY
“Ok, you’re right. Listen, I don’t want to get in your way any longer, and I sure don’t want to pick up whatever is going around up here, so if you just tell me where I need to go, I can get going and get out of your hair, already! Speaking of which, yours looks SO HEALTHY! I’d love to catch up with you later, man, after you’re all better; we can get lunch or something and you can tell me all about your hair care routine!” 

“JEEVES”
“Oh, I have quite a few appointments left once you're finished… up.” 


COWBOY
“COUGH. Man, help a brother out. Heh… that almost sounded like you said “you’re finished.” 


“JEEVES”
“Well, you are, aren’t you?”


COWBOY
“Excuse me?? I’m finished??? But—”




“JEEVES”
“Well, yes; you have, surely…finished telling me all the reasons you belong in heaven, right? All of your reasons, anyway?”


COWBOY
“I mean, who else knows enough about me to put in a good word? I mean, as far as I know, they’re still living it up, back there on earth. So I guess I am the only person who can confirm, or at least provide you with concrete evidence of what a good life I tried to live.”


“JEEVES”
“You can’t think of anyone else?”


COWBOY
“No, no one that’s here, anyway. I mean, it’s not like I need a reference to get into heaven, do I? Or next of kin, or—oh wait!!! I do have someone up here who can tell you about me!”


“JEEVES”
“More than just one, actually. The question is, are they the right person for the job?” 


COWBOY
“What job? Oh, backing up what I’m saying, you mean?”


“JEEVES”
“Yeppers. You only need one. If it’s The Right One.”


COWBOY
“Sweet! What a relief, though! If all I had was all that’s left, I’d be getting left, wouldn’t I? Heh.” 


“JEEVES”
“Oh, don’t worry about the accuser. We won’t need his testimony to make a decision here today.”


COWBOY
“Man, what a relief that is! I was kind of freaked out, half expecting the Grim Reaper to go flying across this desk of yours. This is marvelous craftsmanship by the way. I look forward to seeing all the various architectural features and furniture and finery here in the big house!!”


“JEEVES”
“Oh?”


(No more quotation marks! They’re kind of evil! In this context, anyway…)


COWBOY
Sure, I’ve heard about streets of gold and minimansions, and all that stuff since I was a kid! I’ve been attending church since before I was born, you know. Hehe 


“JEEVES”
I do know, actually.


COWBOY
Oh wow, you’ve been watching me since I showed up on earth? I’m touched,  really! 


“JEEVES”
Touched, indeed…  


COWBOY
Actually, come to think of it, I may have mentioned that to one or two people in this here line. Our line is so much slower than that one over there. Do they have a fast pass or VIP tickets or are they just going straight to their final destination or what?  
Frankly, it’s been creeping me out a little bit, watching the ones on the right approach that one particular desk over there – which isn’t half as pretty as yours, by the way–but I mean, they don’t even make it to that pretty little heart on the floor before they dematerialize, or get sucked into that teleportation thingie, or whatever. 


“JEEVES”
And that’s why you’re so jumpy? 


COWBOY
Jumpy? Who’s jumpy? I’m just a little bit… tired after standing on my feet for what feels like eternity. And you’ll remember that I was snatched up mere moments after I’d settled in for a nap. It was my birthday party, you know… and I didn’t even get to enjoy it or anything! Not that I’m complaining but… well. I was kinda looking forward to it for a long time; Mikey even let me in on their little secret, the main attraction of the whole weekend: they set up an entire circus and carnival on the property, can you believe that? I mean, they even brought in a pony! Well, I guess that’s water under the bridge, so I guess I should be happy to pass from the river Styx to this fantastic place that I get to call home! Forever! Streets of gold! A city filled with mansions! Wait, we do get our own place, don’t we? I don’t really do well with roomies, so… but… oooh, will the kids ever be jealous that I went from that gala they threw for me… to an even better gala! HERE! Hallelujah and amen, hey?? Say, I should probably find something appropriately… appropriate to the grand occasion, hmm? When do we get To that bit of the appointment? 


“JEEVES”
Do you mean to request apparel appropriate to your new home?




COWBOY
Yes, yes I sure am! I remember that parable about the wedding feast! Say, did I ever tell you that I haven’t missed a Sunday at church in my entire life? 97 years now. Every single Sunday. Oh, I guess not today. That’s not my fault, though, that’s y'all's fault. Heh. Not that I’m complaining 🙂 


“JEEVES”
You’re not? 


COWBOY
Um, no? 


“JEEVES”
Oh, ok. 


COWBOY
Phew. 


“JEEVES”
You seem relieved? 


COWBOY
I sure am! I just… it’s been a long day and I'm feeling kinda hungry. Or Thirsty. Like,  I need something. But I don’t know what. Which is why I should totally let you go, so you can finish up with all these people behind me. Remember, I thought you were coming down with something. Don’t want you to go full-blown cause you’re too busy to take care of yourself. Is there anyone who could step in for you? If you can call in  and go home for a quick rest, just a few hours will help. And if you have some chicken soup, that’s great, even better, if you have lemons. The more the better. Your teeth might hurt for a week. At least you’ll get better faster. In Jesus name, right? Ha ha, where is the big guy anyway? I’ve been eager for a look at him all day, curious as to whether he looks like that one guy from the Chosen, actually, I had a bit with the guys in the neighborhood, oops I shouldn’t be saying that here should I? Well, I can’t keep any secrets from you, anyway. lol the other guys thought he looked like that blue eyed dude from the greatest story ever told, but I said, man, you got a look at your maps. The chances of someone with eyes that blue in that part of the world back before travel used to happen the way it does now…  smh. 


“JEEVES”
To answer your question, young man, this appointment lasts as long as you would like it to. I am to provide you with as much time as you want or need in order to articulate any and all reasons you get to move into a mansion in the big house as you put it. 


COWBOY
Oh, well why didn’t you say so? And here I’ve been, yakking up a storm and giving you a headache besides. I guess I’m ready to go then what do I say, Open Sesame?


“JEEVES”
You’re sure you have nothing further to tell us about why you get to enter through the gates of heaven, into his glorious courts of praise and thanksgiving? 


COWBOY
I mean, I can’t think of anything else. I’m proud of the life I lived, I did good works every single day of my life, well once I got out of the terrible twos anyway, I always went to church, never missed a day, even when I was sick, ahem… gave above and beyond what I was required to give to fulfill the requirement, or pay the sin tax, or whatever it’s called. And it wasn’t just my money that I gave to you guys, I gave my time too. To the homeless people, and the disabled kids and my own family and friends. Anyone in need. I was a friend to all of the people I worked with, colleagues, and clients like you can ask them if I ever said an unkind word to any of them, or if I ever let any of them pay for my lunch. There was not a single free lunch to be had in my life, and that’s the way I wanted it. I don’t owe anyone anything. If nothing else, I was generous. I was kind. I was the head and not the tail, the lender, not the borrower. Or, rather, the giver, not the taker. I worked myself to the bone, seven days a week, in order to get all the blessings I’ve been given. But that’s what life was about. Wasn’t it, blessed to be a blessing. And I did bless others. I was a blessing to others. 
And I took care of my body. I ate clean, 99.999% of the time, I didn’t eat sugar, I didn’t eat anything high in fat, I ate kale, and I liked it! I took vitamins, multivitamins, actually, and I ate my spinach, besides.
I shoveled the neighbors driveway while I was taking care of ours, I picked up hitchhikers, I forgave everyone that wronged me, and I read my Bible every day. King James Version, too! My gramps told me that reading good ole King James would get me Brownie Points up here! Ooh, maybe I can have a brownie or two? For old times sake? Or, like, cause I lived a good life, and denied myself from desserts for over 95 years… Or something? Um, on second thought, I’m going to just wait until I get to my mansion before ordering room service. phew, it’s been one hell of a day, hasn’t it! Oops sorry. It’s weird, so out of character for me! I did live a good life, such a good life, I was a good person who never cussed and never ate such unhealthy foods as Brownies. But the second I get up here, all I can do is keep dropping cuss words and begging for Brownies! Go figure, lol. Speaking of which, have we figured out what we’re going to do about this appointment thing yet? I feel like it’s getting kind of late in the day, and I’m going to need to take my medication pretty soon or else. 


“JEEVES”
Or else what?


COWBOY
Or else you’ll need to call 911 on the newest denizen of heaven, I guess! 

“JEEVES”
I see. 


COWBOY
See what? Where you looking at, old timer? Oh. Ohh. Sigh. Man, my glucose must be insane right about now. Sorry. 


“JEEVES”
No worries… 


COWBOY
Thanks, captain. Actually, I’m sorry, can we finish this later? I am totally pooped and I don’t think I’ll last another minute. Can you let me in, already? I’m sure you’ve got oodles more information on me than even the US Government requests for a clearance. So, like, chop chop; time to send me on my way! 


“JEEVES”
Yes, I’m afraid it is…


COWBOY
Look, man, I have tried to be polite and courteous and kind, but I have more than had it with your cryptic little answers! You’re obviously not the only guy letting people in, but I wouldn’t dream of interrupting another person’s appointment and inconveniencing them because of the regrettable situation of that cold you were getting a few minutes ago. And all that. So, like… I want to see your supervisor! On the double! 
(Shakes head and tries to catch the eyes of people in the other lines around him )
Ugh, the SERVICE in this place!! Maybe they’ve been letting things slide. But now that I’m here, this kind of thing is simply called UNACCEPTABLE. Let’s do something about this inefficient and unjust system! What say one of us runs for office and whips this place into shape? I mean, it’s not perfect or as grand as I’d been led to believe, but… it has potential! Under our leadership, and with us working together, this place will be transformed into a place where things get done! Everyone gets a voice! AND a mansion! The best of both worlds! Like all the resources and power of Heaven, and all the comforts and pleasures of earth. Man, that would be HEAVEN, I tell you!
Oh, it’s you again. Back so soon, pops? That’s Too bad, I was just experiencing my first flashes of true happiness since being dragged into this place. GRR! (Deep breath) 
Let me tell you, father Abraham or Mr. Pearly Gates dude or whatever your name is—I WILL be lodging a FORMAL complaint about the matriculating concierge onboarding process in this hellhole! You will not be allowed to continue this time wasting tomfoolery for a single moment longer! Where is your boss? I demand to see him NOW! 

 +sparklies descend from on high+

??????
Hello there, young man… What seems to be the problem?

COWBOY
What? Where is that voice coming from… Who are you? I know that voice!

??????
No need for such excitement, young man… I AM HERE! 

(The father Abraham character’s image flickers once, twice…. begins growing and growing, becoming taller, metallic, sparkly, and too bright to look at. The young man did, however, catch a glimpse of a long white beard flowing down from the Glorious, glowing Being, whom he was fully and frustratingly unable to gaze at properly.)

??????
There, now… What’s wrong? Tell me, child… 



COWBOY
Um, the other guy… wait. Where is he, where did he go? And where did you come from? And who are you? Are you…?! WHOA!!! 

(He falls onto his face and begins to weep and praise The Most-High)

COWBOY
Oh, my heart. My heart!! You ARE real!! You ARE LOVE!!!! Why on EARTH would ANYONE in their right mind doubt You or be angry or sad or ANYTHING but DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY IN YOUR HOLY PRESENCE??!!

(A tender expression crossed the blindingly-bright countenance Of The LORD God.)

??????
I kinda wish I could pat you on the head and scoop you into my arms for a big hug… 

COWBOY
PLEASE LORD!!! SCOOP ME UP AND NEVER LET ME GO!!! I WAS BORN TO LIVE IN YOUR ARMS AND LOVE YOU EVERY MOMENT AND PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME FOREVER AND EVER!!! 

??????
Well, see that’s just it. I can’t touch you till sonny boy gets here! 

COWBOY
Oh, wow! Wow, wow, wow! JESUS IS REALLY HERE ???? AGGGGH!!!! NEED TO SEE HIM!!!! OH, the PAIN!!!! Why Does He Tarry??? I am far past parched and dying for lack of His Loving Presence!!! JESUS!!!!


??????
Awww, I miss Him too!!! SONNNNYYYY!!! 
(He bellowed over His Mighty Shoulder)

COWBOY
DADDY DADDY DADDY!!! Need to be With You NOW!!!! I need hugs and cuddles and kisses and big hugs and AGGGGGHHHHH I NEED YOU HERE TO EVEN BREATHE!!! Seeing You even inches from me is actual TORMENT!!!! OH LORD MY GOD, YOU ARE SOOOOOO HOLY AND SOOOOO LOVE!!! DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!!

??????
Ohh, what a sweet little Angel you are, dearie! My Arms Are Aching for a big hug from you, too. Where is that Son Of Mine???

COWBOY
But… aren’t I Your son, too, Daddy?? PLEASE just a quick kiss, PLEASE!!! I can’t breathe… 

LORD JESUS
I AM HERE. 

(LORD JESUS appears! His Face Expresses His Vast LOVE, and on His Lips hovers a ready smile. His Eyes See so far into everyone that they become flustered and shy, even as everybody in the place begins to “fangirl like there’s no tomorrow.” ( Which, of course, there isn’t, not in eternity. And not in the human realm, from which the young man—the young 97 year old man (obsessed with ponies and circuses) — arrived.

The moment His Eyes fall upon the young man, however, His Face freezes, His expression flowing beautifully into a terrifying mix of bewilderment, fascination, love, sorrow, and even more bewilderment.)

LORD JESUS
I AM. Sad. 
(Blood flows from His Precious Forehead.)

(The Father glances with Great LOVE—and great concern— at His Only Begotten Son. Averting His limpid and tear-drenched Eyes, He Whispers…)

THE FATHER
Davey, check your book again. 

DAVID
It’s Your book, my LORD! 

THE FATHER
Big Pete. Check again. Please! 

PETER
Papa, it’s no use. I already know.  

COWBOY
Know what???? 

LORD JESUS
I AM THAT I AM and I Know that I KNOW That I don’t Know you.  

COWBOY
But JESUS!! Did you not see aalll the things I did for you ? For the church??? You can't tell me that I didn’t do enough good deeds to be here with you! You just can't! Give me another chance!! I’ll give you everything!! all the money!  What did I do wrong? Surely you can’t expect us humans to be perfect can you??? Show me the scale! Show me my heart against a feather, and if it says what I think you’re saying, I’ll leave without saying another word, no trouble at all I promise, but please, I need to see it, I need to see for myself. I did the best I could!! Not everyone can be a carbon copy of you, LORD Jesus! No human can do as many good deeds as you obviously did, don’t you agree? you have to agree! You are the sinless one, the Messiah, the king of kings, and LORD of LORDs!
You Are Perfection, You are the standard! How on earth am I expected to replicate that? It’s a set up, this is rigged! You want me to be perfect, You want me to be sinless, and yet You give me original sin! So, even if I did live a perfect life, I could never be perfect! And maybe I wasn’t 100% perfect but I definitely got at least 95% goodness in here! Maybe even 97! Let me in already! I’m actually starting to suffocate! Are You going to let me die, just so You can be happy in Your little power-play thing? Well, guess what, kids? I don’t actually even need You . I don’t even want to be here. You just want to boss people around and make them feel bad about themselves, You should be ashamed! 

THE FATHER
Even Me?

COWBOY
DADDY!!! they’re being mean to me! They’re trying to keep me away from You ! I can’t breathe, and I think it’s because I’m so far away from You ! What do I have to do to convince you that I should be here? What  do I have to say to let You know that I belong here with You ? How many good deeds does it even take to earn my place in here? Just tell me, give me a day or two days or like a week, and I will do it, I promise! I can do it here, and this foyer lobby whatever this is, I can go back to earth if You want, but I’m gonna need some help with the physical state… I’m probably a zombie by now, just kidding… I could even go to Purgatory if that exists. I’d rather not go to hell to work off this debt, but if that’s what it takes to be near You , I will suffer for a few days or weeks. Hell, I'll even suffer through this summer school/make-up test situation for a few years, just to convince You that I should be here, that this was all a big mistake, You’ll see, I’ll show You how good I can be, I promise! Please just tell me how many points or extra credit points or credit card mile points or whatever do I need to rack up so we can make this happen? 

LORD JESUS
That’s just it, lad; you didn’t need to do any good works to get in here. You could never do enough anyway. 

COWBOY
Gee, thanks!! Thanks for the vote of confidence!! Man, I do not LIKE you, Lion of Judah! 

LORD JESUS
You never needed to do any good deeds or good works because all you had to do was say yes To Me. Make ME The LORD of your life. 

COWBOY
That’s it?? That’s all I had to do to get in here?? Ok, you’re the LORD!! Now let me in!

LORD JESUS
Do you really mean that?

COWBOY
Yes, you’re the LORD! Now let me in, already!!! Stop tormenting me!! 

LORD JESUS
So, you officially ask Me to be your LORD and Savior?

COWBOY
Yes, GRRR! OPEN UP! 


LORD JESUS
You surrender your free will to Me?

COWBOY
Wait, what? Where did that come from? You gave us free Will, remember? The Man can’t even remember the book that He is supposed to be a representative of or whatever. Ugh. Poor customer service, poor products. Need to ramp up Your quality control department, seems like. Just Some free advice for You. You’re welcome. 

LORD JESUS
Young man, you said you’re willing to work 50 to 100 years in hell itself, not even purgatory, but hell proper, in order to work your way into and through heaven’s gates. Yes? 

COWBOY
I can’t See… too bright. Cut it out already. Lose the lights!! I like to see who I’m talking to… unless you’re afraid

LORD JESUS
So you refuse the 50-100  years in hell thing? 

COWBOY
Yeah, you can take that offer and—wait, no no no!! Yes, I’ll do it! Anything to be healed of this MISERABLE MISERY! Pleeeease!!!

LORD JESUS
Hmm. 

COWBOY
What hmm?? What’s that all about? Will you open your mouth and give me this information already!??! If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you guys are all working together, or are in cahoots, trying to drive me insane and make me more angry than is humanly possible!!!

*GLITCHY GLITCH*

(Everyone and everything hath disappeared, leaving The Cowboy all by his lonesome, in the now-vacant Lobby.)

~

(Multiple glitches are seen and heard, and myriad emotions flit across his once-handsome face.)


GIRL
Wait, is he going to be OK? He seems really upset, what if he goes postal?? 

LORD JESUS
People don’t die up here, sugar. But that’s sweet of you to worry. Also, even if he could hurt someone, the truth is that all the “people” around him are “bots.” 

GIRL
What? What do you mean? Ohhh, those things, huh? Like the yesterday ones of You and PAPA YAHWEH, made of that holographic projection bot android whateverness? 

LORD JESUS
Yepperooni! 

GIRL
Hmm. Like, do they have AI or something like that? How did they know what he was going to say? “His” answers were PERFECT! Do they have some learning matrix thing? The range of emotions displayed and portrayed by the Father Abe Dude were FLAWLESS! I’m simply DYING to know how it all works!! This is the COOLEST THING ON EARTH, MAN! Uh… Except for the whole “planet Earth went up in flames earlier today” thing, I guess… Sorry, maybe not cool…! Akh… 

LORD JESUS
It’s ok, hon, it was their choice. The answer to your life’s question is “What was number one to YOU?” If it was ME, meaning, if you GAVE yourself To Me and Obeyed My Commandments--which were…?

GIRL
To both LIVE right and to LOVE right, right?

LORD JESUS
Right! Who’s the recipient of this love, though?

GIRL
YOU, first and foremost! I LOVE YOU, JESUS!

*HUG*

LORD JESUS
And I you, My girl!

GIRL
And I love DADDY and HOLY SPIRIT and all Y’all’s PEEPS--Uh, sorry… Your BRIDE!

LORD JESUS
Hehe, Da dum da dum, daaa dum da DUM! :))  that’s right! What else?

GIRL
We both LOVE and SERVE WITH and IN Your “Body.” Wait, so You’re “married” to an organisation--

LORD JESUS
Organism!

GIRL
Yes, organism! That You’re Part of? Well, that You’re The HEAD of?

LORD JESUS
Yepperdoodles, sweetiekins.

GIRL
So, Loving RIGHT and LIVING right is the right answer? To that first one?

LORD JESUS
Yes. You DID do all that--and you answered the other one correctly, too. Which is why you’re here With ME, now! :))) 

GIRL
The one about “Why should we let you into heaven?”

LORD JESUS
Yeppers. Remember what you said?

GIRL
It’s only been a few hours since I…got here, isn’t it?

LORD JESUS
Yes and no, Love!

GIRL
Huh??

LORD JESUS
You’ve not died, yet, My sweet and friendly chicken.

GIRL
Wait! So I’m ALIVE, still, and also NOT in heaven????!

LORD JESUS
Yep, this is a dream. I AM sending you a vision, it’s related to something you saw yesterday. Incidentally, if you actually WERE here--and things look a bit different here… “IRL,” lol :))) 

GIRL
Oh! That was clever and cute! Is that part of my mission? To tell the world how approachable and cool You Are??

LORD JESUS
No, nothing like that, sweet child o’ Mine.

GIRL
Oh, ok. Thank You. But, then, so… Um. Oh, wait! That Lives and Living Life whatever question thing; Are You saying that… 

LORD JESUS
I’m saying that whatever you love the most in life is the thing you’re going to have eternity of. Any answer other Than ME falls FLAT! It’s worse than empty calories, even. If you chose money, well surprise! There ain’t nothing to spend it on here. If it’s food or drink or drugs or sex, even… they won’t do anything to you. If it was power, there’s no one to “lord” it over. If it was another person, another human…

GIRL
Aka not-You!

LORD JESUS
Yep, not-Me :)) well… they can’t listen to your jokes or cheer you up if they themselves are dead. These peeps were preoccupied with the things of the world, but the things of the world don’t work in heaven. The things of the world burned up when the planet did. So they’re going to spend eternity pining for things that they’ll never have here, and that, truth be told, didn’t really satisfy them all that much There. 


GIRL
What about, like, “intangible” addictions?

LORD JESUS
Like anxiety, despair, addiction to certain addictions, stuff like that?

GIRL
Yes, but also… Pride. And other… 

LORD JESUS
Ah. Demon-related stuff.

GIRL
Y…yeah.

LORD JESUS
Let’s just say that demonic torment is WAY easier to take when you can’t see them. Though, it’s just as bad when you HAVE seen them, you CAN and DO feel their soul-sucking presence PHYSICALLY… and when they’re obsessively devoted to making hell-dwelling humans even MORE miserable than are they, the demons, themselves.

GIRL
Ugh. I’m so sorry about all this. 

LORD JESUS
Why? It’s not your fault, sweets ❤ 

GIRL
Thank You, my King ❤ 


LORD JESUS
Oh, but you were gonna “remind” Me of your answer from “earlier,” haaah :))) No, you haven’t entered eternity yet, btw, and the only hotness on earth is to do with boy bands and the summer sun :))) 

GIRL
Aww, hehee :)) You’re The Best, LORD! I never KNEW You Had such a sense of humour! xD 

*head pat*

GIRL
Well… let’s see. Even though this just be a dream--

LORD JESUS
Yep, it’s a dream--and once a human ENTERS hell, anyway, he or she physically CAN’T leave, so anytime you hear one of those “I went to hell for an hour and THIS is what satan told me!” video things, it’s, like… Um. Heh.

GIRL
I thought as much, and had planned to ask You, but this is even better! Thank You :)) 

LORD JESUS
My Pleasure :)))) So..! Why should Papa YAHWEH Allow you up into Our Home here in heaven?

GIRL
Well, I certainly didn’t go on a rampage about “all MY good deeds, heh!”

LORD JESUS
That a girl! :)))) 

GIRL
Because… As YOU Of ALL… erm, People??

LORD JESUS
LOL Yep :))) 

GIRL
Yeah! Thanks :))) As Well You Know, I could NEVER earn my salvation with these filthy rags called “my good deeds.” Apart from the illogical nature of even trying to DEFINE what “good” even IS--apart from You, I mean. One sin or drip drip drip of it is--

LORD JESUS
Enough!

GIRL
Yes, BEYOND enough to “taint” me and make me too impure for Papa YAHWEH. 

LORD JESUS
But…?

GIRL
But WHAT can WASH AWAY MY SINS?

*He Laughs so beautifully that tears aplenty form and gather in her eyes*
NOTHING but The BLOOD Of YOURS… JESUS!

LORD JESUS
So?


GIRL
So! I can ONLY be “saved” and spend eternity WITH YOU in HEAVEN… IF and only IF I give my life To You! Submit my “free will” To You! YAHWEH Sees YOU When He Looks at ME… because I AM Covered In Your Precious, Mighty, CLEANSING BLOOD, O Sweet LORD Of LOVE!

LORD JESUS
Awww!

*Big Hugs and copious tears from her*

*GLITCH*

Insert more yelling

GIRL
Are y’all just going to leave him there? 

LORD JESUS
He’s not the only one; check it out…

(Friendliness chick catches sight of a floaty, ethereal, almost-screen/monitor thingie, on which were displayed 1000 security camera looking views of as many people; unbelievable though it was to her, each  and every one of them was yelling almost the exact same things--so similar as to sound as though (nearly) “in unison,” these tragic bellowings and screechings about how they deserve to get into heaven. 

GIRL
I guess those bots don’t even need to learn any new tricks or AI after all. Is there a chance those… “hell-dwellers,” are they? Or is it like a holding cell thingie?

LORD JESUS
Ahem…

GIRL
Ah… Understood. Anyway, you said earlier that the bots--

LORD JESUS
What if I told you that IF they said the right thing, they COULD, in fact, “find their way” into heaven?

GIRL
That would sound alarmingly like a purgatory, of sorts…

LORD JESUS
In a way. Obviously, there is no purgatory, and you had to have a reservation to heaven before you died. But let’s just say we DID open up the gate; the point is that they would never say what they needed to say, which is what? 

GIRL
That YOU Are The Truth, and YOU Are The WAY! 

LORD JESUS
Atta girl! 

GIRL
Why not tho? 

LORD JESUS
Coz their beliefs were set, baked in… when they hardened their hearts against us. And once they made that move, We hardened their hearts even more. To what they had already chosen.

GIRL
Like Pharaoh in the Moses story?

LORD JESUS
Like Pharaoh in the Moses story.

GIRL
And Judas? 

LORD JESUS
In a way, yes. But you heard this man, this cowboy from earlier… his hatred for Me, and disdain for PAPA’s plan of salvation was greater than any desire to escape from here. As you can see, there isn’t actually a door barring heaven from outsiders. Sure, there’s the outer darkness, but they could get through that… If they so chose. The point is that they don’t want to be here. Not on My terms anyway. I didn’t want them to choose this, not just because I wanted to save them from trouble and pain and suffering, but because it kind of hurts, don’t you think? 

GIRL
I sure do! You died on the cross for them! And this is how they repay You?? 

LORD JESUS
It’s not just that, it’s the fact that we made them in ORDER to have fellowship with them. They didn’t fulfill the purpose for which they were made. So they could not ever have been happy. If I told you I made Lucifer the way he was – beautiful to the point where he could only ever be filled with pride in his beauty-- then the truth is, he is happiest in that path. He was made to be beautiful. He was made to have pride and embody pride. So he could never have been happy doing something that wasn’t that path. Again, this is just a hypothetical, hah!

GIRL
Of course !! Lol. 

LORD JESUS
Your time here is getting shorter by the minute, btw; is there anything you wish to ask Me… or say?

GIRL
Well, a BIG “I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUUUUUU MY JESUSSSS!” is first on the list!

(“Lucky” for Him she couldn’t reach Him for a kiss!)
LORD JESUS
And?

GIRL
And! I… I’m sure You were going to tell me all that I needed to know in order to carry OUT whatever missions I’m tasked with--

LORD JESUS
Well, not ALL you needed to know… at the MOMENT, anyway--

GIRL
Oh! I--But…!?

LORD JESUS
Aww, what a sweet daughter/sister have I! LOOOLL! 

GIRL
It did cross my mind that there was a TEENSY chance that You might Be… waiting for me to ask You about it?


LORD JESUS
That’s exactly it! :))) What a smart girl I Made to head up a team For Me!

GIRL
WHAT??? AGGGGH THAT IS SOOO SOOO COOOL!!!!!

LORD JESUS
Hehehe… careful, you’re starting to drool!

GIRL
AGGHH!! (What can I say?? My LORD-KING SO MUCH RULES! ❤ ❤ ❤ 

LORD JESUS
Hehe :)) So that guy… 

GIRL
Cowboy?

LORD JESUS
Yes. 

GIRL
Want me to go tell him what he ACTUALLY needs to do, or…?

LORD JESUS
You can’t. Whether he’s already dead or in another state or just has a passel of security guards around him… it isn’t possible. But don’t be sad, that’s not your mission.

GIRL
Yes, sir!

LORD JESUS
Your MISSION is to… make people aware of the two questions--and related ones, you know… so they know exactly HOW I Want them to live--and to love… and to ANSWER PAPA… when they get to those “pearly gates.”